Why I only work for myself for free 💁💸✨

Starting out as an independent designer, I entered the minefield of “potential partnerships, business and exposure opportunities.” But instead of trying to navigate through it, I turned on my heel and left that field entirely–and here’s why.

I’m not earning anything while sitting here, writing in my pyjamas in the middle of the day. I’m drinking cheap, frozen coffee while flipping through the pages of a book called ‘Great Coffee’ and the irony of it just hit me.

The past month I’ve been “in between projects” — what those around me and others working independently consider to be the Danger Zone.

The Pit of Despair.

The Downward Spiral Into Financial Ruin.

From the end of april when I started out as an independent designer to now, the start of june, I’ve only worked one client project. Yep, you read that right. In the span of two months, only one project wasn’t either a ridiculously underpaid or entirely unpaid project — because I’m choosing to say no to those. Which admittedly means I haven’t done a lot of what’s considered “real” work.

At first, I felt pretty terrible about it. Like I was failing at adulting.

But then I started to realise the incredible value of it, not financially, but personally.

Most of what I’m doing right now are personal projects. I write, work, draw, read. I listen and I learn. I relax and take it easy, in my pyjamas. It’s not like I’ll always only be doing my own stuff, because that’s just not possible.

Eventually I’ll take the jobs and do the work.

But right now, I’m prioritising working for myself over for someone else, and I’d like to tell you why.

Obviously, we first have to talk about money. Exposure is nice, but it doesn’t pay the bills.

I didn’t go independent without any financial means whatsoever, I’m not that bold. At the beginning of 2017 I had saved up 80.000 DKK (~12.000$) from working full-time as an apprentice and freelance on the side, birthday and christmas presents, every single penny I could spare, I saved.

Sure, I could have used that money on clothes, makeup, a new gaming computer. Or on a motorcycle license which would’ve been really nice this summer. I could’ve bought more stuff, hell, 80.000DKK will get you a lot of more stuff.

But the reality was I wasn’t satisfied with my education and I felt restrained as an apprentice. Everyone around me, despite my growing skills, treated me like a child. My choices were not entirely my own. It felt like I wasn’t in control; I was just doing what everyone around me and society was expecting of a young person. So instead buying stuff, I decided to invest my savings into my future instead; specifically on starting out on my own. I quit my education, my apprenticeship, everything.

That was two months ago.

But despite being able to say I’ve taken my life back into my own hands, my savings are quickly disappearing, despite the frozen coffee and oatmeal. It isn’t a lasting solution and it affects those around me, especially my family.

In april, my sister and I celebrated our birthdays together. While talking about how things were going, my mom suddenly turned to me and said;

“Let’s hope something comes along for you soon.”

Even though she shot me a comforting smile, I could see the deep pools of worry in her eyes. I felt terrible for telling her the joint birthday party was me and my sisters birthday present to each other.

She doesn’t know I’ve turned down four or five possible “work opportunities” despite being “in between projects”. She doesn’t know the internet is full of work you can just do if you’re willing to do it for 5$. I’ve tried explaining it to her, but she doesn’t get it at all.

One time, we were looking at pictures from when she was younger and my sister and I were kids. I remember asking her about a picture of our living room; “Mom, why were our sofas so ugly?” to which she answered “Well, we didn’t have that much money so I dyed the sofas to make them look better.”

Remembering this, I understand her completely when she says;

“Why on earth would you turn down a job? Money is money, right, just a little bit is at least some?”

Growing up, my mom worked her ass off to put food on the table and proper clothes on her two daughters. Every single day and in the weekends too. She worked two jobs to put us in the best schools possible and to raise us up from the lower middle-class.

I know the importance of money, the freedom it gives you. And I also know how trapped and useless you can feel without it.

So I do consider offers even when they’re kind of bad and I’m genuinely interested in people who contact me. I think it’s great they want to create something and start businesses — we have that in common. But sadly, even though some of them may have sparked some interest and involved great, potential clients, they mostly didn’t offer enough or any money at all.

It seems as a creative, especially as one who’s independent, I’m expected to survive on some kind of magical fuel — frozen coffee, maybe? Instead of just getting paid like everyone else. At one point, I almost felt obligated to take on a “10$ logo design” simply because I didn’t have anything else.

Even worse was when other freelance designers were saying things like; “It’s rough at first, we all go through it. You work hard for no money at all and you hope to someday get proper, paying clients. That’s just how it is.”

“That’s just how it is?” What kind of lame-ass reason is that?

At one point in all of this, I felt very frustrated and lonely. The days are long when you’re running from one meeting to the other or sitting at home despairing that you’re failing at a dream you’ve had for years. But then a dear friend recommended Andy J. Miller and his Creative Pep Talk Podcast who turned out to be exactly the person I needed at this time in my life. I began seeking out other people and designers, other sources of support. While surfing on YouTube I found Chris Do, the hardcore businessman and design ninja who made me realise I should price my services better.

Both of them reassured me those underpaid or completely unpaid projects were a no-go for me and I felt a whole lot better for not being alone in my opinion. And what I realised was this; I already have a huge, unpaid design project in designing myself and my future career.

I already have a full-time, non-paying position in working for myself.

Maybe you’re thinking that you don’t have the luxury of the kind of savings I have, but I didn’t get it just by sitting on my hands, either.

I worked hard as hell for that money. It. Took. Years.

But I saved up and today that means I actually have a choice. So I’ve chosen keeping as much of my self-esteem and creativity as I can because I’m paying for it with my own money. I don’t blame others for not having the choice or even for choosing to take on the projects. But me, personally? I can wait for the paying clients.

I’m willing to go the distance for my dreams.

But I’m not going to lose myself on the way.

The other reason I personally tend to forget, is you. Yes, YOU! Your self-esteem and your own well-being.

As mentioned before I’ve been listening a lot to Andy’s podcast Creative Pep Talk. In an episode, he talks about this exact issue with earning “just a little bit” which I had been advised to do by other independent designers because that’s how they’d done it. Andy says; “When you work for only a little or no money at all, you’re just surviving. You’re not thriving, you’re just barely getting by. And surviving is just one degree above death.”

Let that sink in for a moment.

That passion you have for what you do, it doesn’t come out of nowhere. And it won’t stick around while you’re beating yourse’f up over someone else’s project, broke and miserable. At least I know my clients won’t appreciate design I’ve positively hated doing and I want to be able to offer them quality.

I can’t go out and sell myself on just surviving as an independent designer.

I can’t justify it to myself, either. I may as well be working any other job, hell, a waitress or cashier job might even be paying me better.

In working for myself, I’m trying to focus inwards after many, many years of being focused outwards

I’ve gotten to know myself better. I go for walks with my cat, but mostly I sit inside and work, draw, write or scroll through Facebook. I don’t go out and have magical epiphanies on fancy museums or anything, those happen in the comfort of my shitty office chair at home. I don’t expect anything else from myself other than trying my best and doing what I think is right for me. And I certainly don’t expect anyone to do something just because that’s how I did it.

But this “in-between-project” period isn’t The Pit of Despair for me anymore. It’s no longer The Downward Spiral Into Unemployment.

It’s turned into something quite the opposite, in fact.

I recently published a redesign project that I did for fun here on Medium as an article, and it’s gotten an amazing amount of attention. I’m getting great feedback and people are contacting me out of the blue. I’ve even gotten new business contacts and more offers.

And now, the offers are starting to look like something.

My value is growing as I grow as a creative person. When we’re happy and passionate about our work and if we choose to share some of our fire, people will notice. And yes, some people are in fact even willing to pay us for it.

When we’re happy and passionate about our work and if we choose to share some of our fire, people will notice. And yes, some people are in fact even willing pay us for it.

But it’s not entirely without consequences. I definitely have my ups and downs just like everyone else. Draining my bank account dry, for one, is extremely stressful. Especially since I’m in a shared economy relationship and can think of hundreds of ways that could go terribly sour.

Most days I have absolutely no sense of time. And it also tends to get very lonely. Often I feel like a troll hidden away in my cave 👹 And on the rare occasions I rejoin society, my social skills are somehow… off. 🤔

But I want to learn from both my successes and my failures — maybe even share them with others. Just like Andy Miller and Chris Do have shared a piece of their lives with me (thank you, you’re awesome).

Lastly and most importantly:

Saying no to free or underpaid work raises the total value for all creatives in the whole creative and independent field.

Good offers would never have happened if I didn’t focus on myself and take the time to create something that reflects my passion. Something that shows what I can do when I’m thriving instead of just surviving.

And it won’t happen for anyone else, either, if we keep giving those bad offers attention. The only way to raise the quality of the work and pay for everyone, is through solidarity. We need to be honest about our situations and tell clients no, we can’t afford it. If not for everyone else, at least for ourselves.

As a designer I know I’m only as good as my latest project. The proper, paid projects seem very scarce in a whole sea of the straight-up insulting ones. Those insulting projects are increasing rapidly and it makes it harder for all of us — especially those just starting out in the field like me. It lowers our total value. I know I sure as dirt wouldn’t work at a new full-time job on a contract for free. I don’t even know how I’d justify that in the job interview when people are looking to hire me to do a professional job; “Oh, well, you don’t have to pay me because it appears no one else wants to. Even though I do great work!” Something tells me that’s not going to sell well.

What I know for sure is I’m worth the wait. You’re worth the wait.

Ensuring better projects and higher pay for everyone, myself included, also totally worth the wait.

Also, finally:

It’s possible to say no in a nice way. And saying no does not necessarily mean the end of the world.

I’m not saying you should turn down every unpaid or underpaid project. But I’m sure you’re familiar with that feeling in your stomach when you just know a project isn’t for you. It’s a bad idea and your entire body agrees. Of course, we should always investigate and try to sell ourselves. But follow your instinct most of all, because it actually is possible to just say no in a nice way.

Be a professional and explain to the client why your work is worth more than what they’re offering. Be honest about why you, just like them, can’t do work without getting paid if they grill you about your prices. If they still can’t fathom why you have to be so “expensive” show them calculations of the work and hours it requires from you and all your expenses meanwhile, personal as well as professional. “What, personal expenses count as well?!” Of course they do! Freelancing is your job, not just your hobby. We’re all working to make money to pay our personal expenses. You have expenses as well, twice as many as most in fact since you’re also running a business. There is a chance they simply don’t know what these things really cost or they haven’t thought about your additional expenses such as design programs, insurances, office tools maybe even office space.

There’s no shame in sharing your challenges, because we all have them. I once had a phone call with a client who wanted me to work on a project “for free at first, with the possibility of pay later” if they landed an investment based on my work, that is. I was honest with him about my situation; I’ve just started out as a freelancer and at the end of this month, I have to pay my rent. So you see, I can’t work on your project for free. My frankness about this actually resulted in him revealing he himself was still working a full-time job, the project was a thing he was doing on the side. So I would be risking months of work while he was only gambling with his spare time. I told him, sorry, I can’t help you with your project. No hard feelings — it’s just business.

Saying no doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship with the client and their network. I even experienced how someone I turned down ended up recommending me to someone else. It wasn’t a project I was interested in, but it was still really, really nice getting recommended.

Saying no is okay, especially if you’re polite about it. Knowing what you want to work for — and also what you don’t — that’s being a professional.

There’s always the opportunity of doing some work for a non-profit or non-commercial organisation. I’ll reconsider a project if the cause is something I sympathise with or even if it just sounds like it could be fun doing. Like the illustrations and website design I did for a refugee project which actually paid quite well. Because that would be doing a little good in the world. And the world sure could use some more good in it.

In conclusion, working for free for myself has given me so many plusses on my personal account even though nothing is ticking into my bank account.

It no longer feels like failing — it’s a shift of focus.

I still feel frustrated and alone sometimes, but overall, I feel like I’m worth what I’m asking for because I’m putting actions behind my words.

Through my personal projects I’ve found a way to combine my love for writing and my passion for creating awesome designs. I’d never have found that out buried in underpaid work. And to me, that’s worth more than all the money in the world; getting a little closer to what I want to do.

I feel like the best work I have to do yet, is still inside me. I get very excited thinking about the clients I’ll be working with and the designs I’ll be creating.

But all that needs room to come out. It needs me to thrive, not just survive.

So I’m still here, riding the highway to Broke with 90mph. And I’m having the best and worst time of my life.

Thank you for reading 🙋